Epic (but fun) waste of time pt 2

My therapist says she wants to work on my ‘trust issues’. I think she’s found the cash cow within.

Bought some Hannah Montana deodorant. Hope it doesn’t make me smell untalented.

I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. Have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. Yeaaahhh boiiiiii

I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer *you spelled her name wrong **not you too!!

I told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting… he totally bought it

You went into starbucks and asked for a mocha ‘on the rocks’

Call of duty is the straight man’s twilight

I just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. I’m not even ashamed to admit that to you

Your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible

When did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?

I’m passing your future prison

Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end

My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don’t tell me that your family is embarrassing

I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand

You can’t like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.

I just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. Can. Not. Move.

So I’m eating my sandwich…and a penny fell out of it.

I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament

Any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window

Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?

I just threw up a Christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.

You know how I spent all of black Friday on the plane? Well guess who’s getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!?

She just asked me to help her create a twitter page for Edward cullen’s hair…seriously

I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.

**I know this one is kinda naughty, but it made me laugh the hardest. Don’t judge me**

I told her I was team Edward. I haven’t gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer.

Wow. This is much longer than I originally thought. I will stop now, but don’t worry- there’s plenty more where this came from!